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By John Bacic, Motodojo.

I am the ever hopeful romantic. When I wake up in the mornings it’s with hope and anticipation of another wonderful day, full of wonderful surprises, and being around wonderful people. I know that somewhere just around the corner is that special lady, that special someone who’s going to make me feel strong and manly and make all my dreams come true. I was feeling just this way some while ago when I was on my way to work, travelling down Springwood Rd I was quite enthralled with the general beauty and crispness of the morning, I must admit I was somewhat distracted with my own light, whimsical thoughts and flights of fancy, when the green light in front of me turned orange. Still, it was no real effort on my part to bring the bike to a smooth but firm stop. It did seem to be quite a challenge though, for the retard behind me. It’s my opinion that moron no.1.s ability to function at a rudimentary level in society has been seriously compromised by a continuous staccato assault of soundwaves on his now quite traumatised brain. Caused, in the main by his fully sic sub woofa bro. I doubt that that dumb bastard even realised he needed to stop. He clearly gave up on the idea as he sped straight passed me at 60 k/hr through a now red light. I, my dear readers… was enraged. My only purpose for existence from this time forth was to visit a tempest of fury upon this cretin the likes of which the world has never witnessed nor will ever witness again. This base addicted troglodyte was about to bare the full brunt of my awesome eye melting Godzilla like rage.


As I pulled up beside him at the next intersection… I brought the rain. He was surprisingly calm as I tapped gently and politely on the window. ; “excuse me sir I may be mistaken but I think you may have missed a red light back there and possibly came a little close to me in the process.”

I was taken aback further still when not only did the intellectually anesthetised cave dweller, fail to cower in fear but he in fact seemed quite eager to roll his window down and engage in some kind of dialogue, one would assume begging for mercy. I think for the purposes of this story my dear readers it’s important for you to know what I look like; I am in short, a 196cm, 120kg, white hot laser beam of sexual desire and rage, quite an intimidating specimen even if I do say so myself. Thus I was at a loss to explain the unbridled advance of this nary 55kgs ringing wet hairy footed gibbon in the face the tirade of stern language I was letting have at him; “there’s no need to get out of your car sir I’m sure this can be handled according to social norms then we can just drive away whilst making rude gestures at each other.”


I thought it prudent at this stage to hop of my bike and lift up my flip up helmet. It was time this primitive primate was made fully aware of my intimidating size and stature. I was somewhat shocked, when as this odd little forest dwelling creature moved towards me it lost it’s hat and all it’s long hair fell down around it’s shoulders it was only then that I realised I was involved in the fight of my life with a tiny little girl. I was stunned into a slack jawed motionless state whilst I was trying to come to terms with how I found myself about to be taken to school in the middle of a busy intersection by a tiny, little, girl.


And take me to school she did. She shaped up to me like the only thing she had ever done in her whole life was kicking the shit out of crazy old men. She was dancing around me showing me a right, I couldn’t take my eyes of it, she had me mesmerised with her oriental chicken noises waaaa, waaaww. Before I knew it I was being battered by a fast unrelenting barrage of lefts. BAM!! Ahh there’s the right I knew she was going to throw it sooner or later. I was left with only one course of action… I let out a little girlish squeal and ran back to her car; I grabbed her keys out of the ignition. She stopped, immediately her eyes fixed on the keys and her head moved side to side as I moved them left and right. I had her in a trance with the keys but I knew that wouldn’t last long, I threw those keys as far as I could, she immediately turned around and darted left then she darted right then she ran straight for the keys like a rabid little Chihuahua. Being the quick thinking dynamo that I am, I exploited my brief opportunity to escape, with my usual speed, grace and agility I got on my bike and I lit out of there to an almost deafening chorus of car horns, whistles and cheers.


I must say readers, that day didn’t pan out the way I hoped it would. I certainly had no expectations of being towelled by a little girl. And this brings me to the punch line; you won’t be able to have every day free of troubles sometimes things go wrong. At some point you may be on your bike having a good time and someone does something stupid and gives you a fright. Don’t make things worse by doing something else stupid. Let it go, and move on with your life, or one day you might be unfortunate enough to tangle with a crazy, foaming at the mouth she devil hell bent on your total destruction.


Until next time then to all the boys play it straight lads and maybe your special lady will come along too. Hopefully she won’t kick your arse up and down the street.


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